Identity

I’m worried.

Since I was let go by my job, I have been unable to claim unemployment – my only real financial lifeline. It’s not a game or reality TV. There are no second or third lifelines. My finances are stretched too thin.

I have to call the unemployment office. After 10 consecutive calls to a recorded message claiming high call volume, I finally have the right to be placed on hold. The previous 9 calls were all rejected.

I’m being tested.

The initial wait time is 25 minutes. Nine minutes and 35 seconds later, the wait time doesn’t change. What’s the point? I’m going nowhere. It has to be temporary, right?

Ten more minutes pass, the hold time is 15 minutes. I see a glimmer of hope. This call is a microcosm of real life. It’s a long journey. It’s a reminder that life is a battle – not just for the unemployed, but for everyone. For me, I never know how close I am to the end. Does 15 minutes really mean 30? Even if I get there, will my problems be solved?

I am at the mercy of the system.

That’s the life of the unemployed. The ebbs of daily living are exacerbated and the flows are too short. Unemployment is persistent self-doubt. Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Can I be happy? When will this test end?

I’m constantly judged – by everyone. It’s hard not to judge. We all do it. I must look right, act right…say the right things. It’s a never-ending interview. One mistake ends it all. It’s competitive.

29 min, 25 seconds into the call, the wait time is 10 minutes. At this point, the recording asks me to call back later. But, I’m so close. I’m being tested, I know it.

There are days that I feel invisible. There are days I can barely look at myself in the mirror. That must be natural, right? The truth is, most days I struggle with my feelings of self-worth. Let’s face reality: for a lot of us, our self-worth is inextricably linked to our jobs. Of course, life is complex, so there are many things that determine our self-value - family, friends, health. Often though, who we are, is what we do. Your day can be shaped by the outcomes of your job and it affects everything. Facebook and twitter status updates confirm this, usually in 140 characters or less. Our self-worth is often attached to our business card. Why shouldn’t it be? Most of us spend more time at work than with our family.

When you remove the job from the person and replace it with an environment of complete uncertainty and financial worry, you take away part of an identity. Can I change that? I want my life to be defined by my actions and not just by my job.

I’m not a martyr.

My profession is a biomedical engineer. But if I want my actions to define me, then who am I? I am a man. I am a husband. I am a father. That’s a good start. My feelings are raw. I’m an animal rescuer. I’m compassionate. I’m loyal. I’m persistent. I’m determined. I take advantage of second chances. I can help you. I’m going somewhere.

My call is answered. I am no longer waiting. They don’t ask for my name. I am just a number arbitrarily given to me by the government. I’m sad to realize that.

Then something amazing happens. She helped me. She was kind. My problem was solved. It was a small victory that was wrapped up in a neat little bow. It won’t always be like that and I know it. But today…I won my battle.