Thursday, May 6, 2010

How the hell did I get here?

Today was not unlike any other recent day. I’ll admit that I’ve had a rough time the past few months. Who hasn’t? I hear tale after tale of people having it hard. “They” keep saying it will get better. So, I just sit. And wait. I’m on my couch staring at the blank walls in my “new” apartment living room. There’s nothing. Just white. No pictures. No colors. It’s dark outside. My son is playing with his train set on his new train table that we bought for his second birthday. Dora the Explorer is blaring on the TV. It’s the one where she and Boots help someone get somewhere with the assistance of her friends, the map and backpack. They sing…they dance…and everyone finds their place in the end. They always overcome the obstacle. I’m not really paying attention, but I know what happens because essentially that’s the plot for every episode. I briefly think I would like to be on Dora the Explorer (can it be real?). Instead, I’m just sitting...staring. These walls…these walls. All I see are these walls. Why do they bother me?



At first, I didn’t care. This was only supposed to be temporary. That’s what I kept telling myself…temporary…temporary. I moved my entire family from NJ to PA for a job and into this apartment with these lifeless walls. We left family behind. Actually, it was not just a job. It was THE job. After all my years of schooling, all of my 16 hour days, all my years of paying my dues, all those months of being unemployed, I had finally made it. We could finally start our life – a real life as a family. Everything I wanted, I was about to get:



High salary

Profit sharing

Big bonuses

A new house



Before I got this new job, I always felt my life was on hold. I felt like we were always just waiting. Waiting for me to graduate. Waiting for my fellowship to end…waiting…waiting. We were living in my grandmother’s house, which we were so fortunate to be given after she passed. There’s a strip club down the street. It was a means to a better tomorrow. I told myself, “No worries, this is just temporary.” In reality, we had it pretty good or at least better than most. At least we had a house. So many were in foreclosure.



In truth, this story is probably not unlike yours. I’m a husband. I’m a father. I’m a role model. I’m an educated professional. Today was not unlike any other. Then “they” dropped the bomb: “We don’t think we can keep you on anymore”. Today, I’m unemployed…again. After 4 short weeks at THE job, THE job was over. All at once, it came flooding back:


Scared

Stressed

Embarrassed

Worried for my family



How the hell did I get here? I thought I made all the right decisions for us. I uprooted my wife. I yanked my son out of daycare. Now, we are floating a house and an apartment on one salary (a non-profit salary) and an unemployment check.



Go Diego Go comes on the TV. My son shrieks for joy. It’s the one where Diego saves the beavers. My thoughts are clear as I focus on my son. He runs over to me for our nightly ritual where he sits on my lap as we watch Diego, my arms clasped tightly around his stomach. I notice the vivid colors. They make these shows so bright. My son is laughing and talking, and talking, and talking. My hands unclasp for a second around his stomach. He says, “Sorry dad”, as he pulls my hands back around his stomach. I remember the same thing happened yesterday during our nightly ritual. I had told him I was “sorry” for letting go of him , at which point he put my hands back around his stomach. How does he remember these things? During these times, as I hug him tightly, I don’t even notice these walls anymore. Maybe this is all I need...my family, my son, clasped tightly together watching Diego rescue another animal.

25 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story. It's so nice to see a man talk about these things... your last paragraph touched my heart - you are a great dad. That is the most important job for sure. Keep up the good work!

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  2. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are doing what you can! And your family loves you! Something good will happen. Good things happen to good people.

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  3. Thank you for sharing. Your son is lucky to have you!

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  4. JTM, I know how you feel. I left a stable job in TV before the birth of our daughter. I was working crazy hours and after much contemplation and months and months of researching it and talking to other freelancers, I decided to quit my job and go freelance. This way I could make my own hours. At first every thing was great, then the writer's strike hit... and then the economy tanked. The first thing every place I was working for did was let go of their freelancers. All of a sudden, I now have a child, a mortgage and every one telling me the same thing. "Sorry, we can't hire you right now." It's now two years later and things have gotten a little better, but it is still stressful going a few weeks at a time without work. It is all so stressful and at times I feel like a failure.

    The only rewarding thing is my family. My wife is supportive, probably more than I deserve and my kids are the best thing in the world. They make me want to be the best Dad that I can be. I just keep my head up and keep telling myself that the work is coming and eventually it does (after pestering all of the Creative Directors that I know constantly). Sure it is tough, but I would never get this time back with my family. That is worth more to me than any paycheck. Hang in there. Things will get better.

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  5. So beautiful. You're a great dad, Jay.

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  6. I loved reading this! Please keep writing!

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  7. Thanks for sharing, and please keep writing.

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  8. nothing to be embarrassed about, though i know what you mean. somewhere down the line you will remember this point n your life, and you'll think you wouldn't be where you are today if that hadn't happened... it's all part of a greater plan, one, of cours you haven't gotten to the end yet, but you will. this will only make you stronger....

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  9. You most definitely have a gift for writing! I'll continue to follow your journey!

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  10. Thank you for sharing this. Please keep writing.

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  11. Keep your head up, there are SO many people going through this now, you aren't alone. Like others said, treasure the time you have with your little one, you won't be able to get that back. And once you land a job (soon!) you will regret not enjoying the time you have. Best of luck, please keep writing.

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  12. Bad things happen to good people. You are good people. I know it will work out for you.

    I read this quote in my doctor's office "God only gives you what you can handle. I only wish he didn't trust me so much." - Mother Theresa. One of my favorites. God must really have faith in you!

    Because of what you are going through you are realizing what is truly important to you.
    Your life is not on hold . . . live every moment . . . enjoy this special time with your adorable son!
    I love you and will be here for you for whatever you need. You only have to ask.
    Jenn

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  13. This may not be obvious to you right now, but your wife and your son are VERY lucky to have you. Use your sons innocence and spirit to forge ahead. Better days are coming.

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  14. Please keep writing, I will continue to follow. You are a great husband and father, and that alone is something to take great pride in.. it will help to get you through. There is a light at the end of the tunnel to something better.. I hate the cliche of 'everything happens for a reason', but I've see that work too many time for it to be false..

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  15. what a beautiful, honest story. One day we will all look back over our lives and I hope that when you do, the stressful memories don't rise to the top, but the times that you have spent being a part of L's early life. The days in the park, feeding him breakfast. The job stuff isn't permanent- but for L, daddy being the center of his day is.

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  16. Thanks for sharing. My husband is currently unemployed. As a wife, it is helpful to read about other's experience. You can help me, help my husband through it. I believe we all will get through these tough times.

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  17. It's 9:20 on a Saturday morning and it's your first morning to sleep in all week. This morning, I get the privilege of spending some precious alone time with our son. He keeps talking about you, "Daddy night-night in bedroom". He is playing with his trains, his barn, his books. We read Diego Save the Humpback Whale. He is so smart and funny that it's overwhelming. Your difficult journey through unemployment has lead you -US- to these moments -the moments where we can count our savings on one hand, but our rich experiences, and memories as a family are overflowing. I'm proud of you and I love you. - xoxoxo, Mrs.PTM :)

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  18. You are a very strong person and have a very strong wife who loves you and supports you. Your son, loves you and appreciates the fact you are with him and can do the simple things with him. Your family and friends are behind you no matter where you may work or live. Remember, you are valued and loved by many and not for the money you make, the house you live in or the car you drive, but for the person you have become and the love you give your family and friends. I have yet to meet you, but I would be honored to call you friend. Do not let life get you down, for you have too much to share with others. Just know that you have already helped people just by writing your story and sharing... I am proud of you for not being scared to exspress how you feel - you are human like the rest of us. Just keep smiling and stay positive...look to the sky and see the stars - yours is just waiting to find you.

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  19. Thank you everyone for your touching comments. I had such a positive response that I'm a bit overwhelmed. I feel truly inspired. I really want to thank my wife for encouraging me to "speak" my mind. She really is an amazing woman who makes me want to be better than my best. I strive to make her proud to be my wife every day. I also want to thank my true inspiration for life...my son. I'm very proud of the little person that he is. Stay tuned...there's more to come soon!

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  20. I know things look bleak right now, but I also know if anyone can pull through this you and T can. The two of you are strong and determined. You talk everything trough and have the same goals. Your wife loves you, your son loves you, and your family loves you. We are all here
    if you need us, for anything. You are a great father, I know, one of the best I have ever seen. I don't hear any complaints from TB. Things will get better, in the mean time take advantage of this time you have with your family, these days can never be recaptured. We all love you and believe in you.
    GLT

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  21. Hi J- I was looking forward to seeing you today when i got together with Patty and Misty so that I could tell you to hang in there, and let you know how much I love reading your blog!!! You are an excellent writer and really capture feelings that everyone faces at one time or another. its refreshing to read. Keep up the good work!
    I know you are a little down and feeling misplaced right now, and I can't blame you. but it is amazing to me to hear about what a wonderful husband and father you are- and perhaps that is your purpose for right now. Please remember you are blessed to have more love in your life right now that most people will ever know. Your relationships with those close to you seem so special, and I'm just an outsider that barely knows you! I find your way of looking at life truly inspirational and it makes me want to be a better person and parent. Thanks for writing and sharing so much of yourself. Please know that you and Patty have many people who would do anything to help if you need it, myself included. -Carolyn B

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  22. Wow. This has been truly amazing. Just seeing how much passion you put into expressing your feelings and your love towards your wife and son is unexplainable. After all you were only trying to follow that was necessary and without you wouldnt have felt the same. Now that you atleast went for it, you could no longer say what if. but at the end of it you have the most wonderful support of Patricia, and beautiful son to look after.

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  23. What an expressive post. I can't remember how I found your blog, but I'm glad I did. My heart was breaking for you at first, until I got to the end and it swelled with happiness. Because you are right - that truly is all you need. If you've got a supportive, loving family, the rest of it will work itself out. Now I'm off to catch up with some of your posts since this one! Thanks for writing such a great post!

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  24. Not many people dare to be so open about it... Thanks for letting us peak into your feelings.

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